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 I guess it’s my fault for thinking they could even write a 22 minute special without hackishly shitting the bed on it.


All things considered, there were bits and pieces I liked.

And if there’s any excess cynicism I have... looking at the poster gave me more of a sad than ‘neat’ feeling.


Seeing Stormy & Captain Murphy’s figures at the bottom of the poster made me sad because Sealab’s such a bygone. When it ended in ‘05 I had it in my mind that it’d stay with the packaging, or at least I didn’t think it’d be as drop dead obscure as the very stuff Robot Chicken was spoofing when it had premiered in its place.


Children’s Hospital was a show I wasn’t a fan of, but the cameo still managed to be a nerf to the nads. It had only aired just a few years before R&M, and just two different eras of the network completely.


I spoke too soon when I thought this was more than respectful to Venture Bros, but what they showed in previews was strong.

Having Henchman 21 and 24 be [as] nerds was a prime full circle thing, and could only work with Hammer & Publick reprising their roles.


Wasn’t bothered with the fact they couldn’t get Dean Venture’s VA, so much as the fact I did not find what Seth said as him to be funny. You wouldn’t believe how quick my smile went away when Hank handed the floor to that....


The way they copped out on Brock at the end sucked hard. I think they tried softening the blow of that by also having Warburton voice Murphy, but it was all at the cost of them insisting that Bitch Pudding is funny, and needs to be there to hog and thwart any real joke potential.



Master Shake was killed very early into the show but I loved what they wrote for him. It was endearing to me how they enlarged his mouth just to fit with the character and Dana’s delivery. For that matter, the doorknob bit was ATHF in spades + Dr. Rockso.


This was dedicated to the great George Lowe, and another thing that saddened me was knowing he wouldn’t be there. Lowe was an RC resident stay, so you know it genuinely hurt the showrunners too. They didn’t make it a point to be obnoxious with SGC2C. They vindicated dozens of ancient Adult Swim geeks just by having the bronze Space Ghost statue crush Tim from Tim and Eric.

Brock eye-gouging Clay Puppington didn’t satisfy me because it wasn’t Adsit and the person they grabbed wasn’t even trying. I was shitty about Mike Tyson potentially eating up voiceover budget, and I can say if they did that, they did grasp the novelty of Mike Tyson voicing bullshit.

Gary Cole came back for Birdman. They even got in a quick Boston Bomb Scare ribbing out of it.


Overall I just hate that they couldn’t do without somehow making this about AI destroying comedy. I mean this is a 25th anniversary special for fuck sakes. Your show isn’t even running full fledged anymore because giving over 20 episodes a season to Robot Chicken was a waste of time for ages. I don’t know why Robot Chicken of all things has to get an AI potshot out there, we know it sucks and you’re not helping.

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Earlier into the month, we got what was dubbed in mere seconds as a trailer for a trailer.


Netflix was playing the long game with their past collaboration with Rockstar and teased for a half hour trailer to be on their service the 27th.

Surely, no backlash to come from that, right? A game commercial stuck to a streaming paywall that in no way would make the servers needlessly blow up? Or set an all-time low where people get the desire to torrent..... a commercial?

Well, that happened. Was just yet another way the consumer could be slapped in the face, and people just accepted it.


But before that, a hacker managed to deliver a mutual kick in the teeth, which tanked both Rockstar and Take-Two’s stocks.



Grand Theft Auto 6 was leaked yet again. The last time I believe it was the source code, and fairly early production.

CyberLeek had a more recent playable build and really sought to do some damage.

 

Normally with these kind of stories, it takes about a day or within that same timeframe for authorities to capture somebody. 



This was a guy who made a lotttt of Crypto money from gameplay leaks... a consistent WEEK of Crypto money from gameplay leaks... and then he just took 250K in earnings and ran.

And everything he did was forgotten with the trailer.



On one hand, the leak was exactly as I had wished for.


Now, his clips did little of anything for me. In 2026, it was a right pain in the ass to navigate Take-Two scorching sources when everything in between was fake AI gameplay clips capitalizing off the news, and the most annoying brand of douche on the planet that makes every bit of online news about seeing their fucking nobody face on web camera.


The only thing I liked in the scenario was the kick to the teeth it delivered to the corporate entity. So much so that Take-Two was throwing the book at everyone, including Microsoft and Discord.

The person that did this was a bitcoin dick who cared absolutely jackshit about physical media. Just like the hacker in 2022 was a dick for making us wait longer and potentially making the terrible pricing options all the more easier for them to put into place.


The former even gaining that much monetization from unpolished gameplay clips tells you all you need to know. Even if he is essentially a fugitive. I don’t need him to be caught, but I’m totally cool with him fucking off now. We’re still reeling in the negative consequences of capitalism while he made a big pay day.

- - - - - - - - - -

[GTA VI: An Extended Look]

Something I had missed the first go around sadly was the very start (thanks, Netflix) where Jason and Lucia walk up to the projects and are stopped before attempting to make their deal.

Absolutely loved how intimidating that was portrayed. I remember thinking “wow” when Niko reached those South Bohan towers. Liberty City in general they had done before, but it was something else entirely when they got into the grit of that culture.

It signals to me that they just don’t want to rehash Ballas a third time. They’ve reportedly done years of extensive Miami research, and the stone coldness of the gangs should reflect that.



While I thought it was oddly placed for Jason to start petting someone’s dog after that encounter, it was intentional. 

The leaks had already shown that GTA VI is building off on Red Dead Redemption 2’s engine. And really, it dawned on me a little in that moment just how much Red Dead’s fanbase has seemingly surpassed Grand Theft Auto’s.


With the original Red Dead Redemption, it didn’t take long to be regarded as a game of the century by itself. But when it first launched, yeah, you had John vs Niko discussions. You kind of had to remark upon GTA IV’s engine being used for a spaghetti-western open world.

It is unique to see the opposite effect of that over a decade and a half later. It’s no contest that there are more gamers seemingly invested in GTA VI’s parallel with Red Dead (gameplay or otherwise) than the possibility of Michael being back or Trevor being back... or even the obligatory Tommy Vercetti tribute.

But it’s no surprise for there to be fatigue for a game that’s been milked for as long as GTA V has.


I try not to let any hype do me in this time around. GTA V was all about “Earth the video game” in it’s marketing. I play GTA V now and I have literally nothing to do but circle across LS and the mountains over and over while listening to Los Santos Rock Radio.



This is going to be a test as to how well Red Dead’s RPG stuff can fit seamlessly into Grand Theft Auto’s more casual gameplay, and I’m a little wary of that as well.

There are details I’m reading that I’m just not sure of. It was one thing to bring back fat and muscle stats from San Andreas. But the prospect of the protagonist wearing down from lack of sleep, when each in-game day in the past has been 24 minutes or 48 minutes. 


With the existing preorder paywalls already in mind, it’s frightening to me that they even have to specify no micro transactions at LAUNCH. How about never? We couldn’t be that lucky.

So they said also that the in universe brands will have full-on shops instead of being background jokes. I’m all for immersion and all but I gotta question how good it will be in practice.


I think about how Niko in GTA IV has the Grotti car dealership right behind one of his safehouses. A building full of sports cars for the player to steal and drive off in. Would you really want to go in there and pay actual money for the car? No. You get Niko to smash the glass with a baseball bat and just take whatever Comet’s prettier to you. At least that should still be a possibility in the return to Vice City.


When I expressed distaste for Jason’s voice acting, soon everyone had that exact same complaint. I compared it to me initially not liking Arthur from Red Dead 2 until the end half of his story, and people were talking about not liking Arthur in the trailers. So game outlets fucking get their asinine chips in on this, and don’t even bother to look into how well Arthur is regarded now.

I mean, when GTA IV first released, you had a lot of comments about Shrek. And Niko sounding like Borat. The hate went away soon enough, but even during that hate... you couldn’t really deny what Niko was saying.

Same with GTA V. The trailers near V’s release did everything to make it look and sound like an action movie. You could be the biggest hater and not deny voice acting being top notch.

I look back and think of Niko and Michael to both be characters with confident delivery.

So far, Jason is not. He mumbles, and even with a half hour trailer they do almost everything but convince you that there’s any real chemistry. These are characters they want you to spend over 80 hours with, so that is a problem.

But you know, we had endless criticisms of GTA V being over the top, and humor doesn’t at all seem to be GTA VI’s strong suit, so idk.


Few more months!

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The pictures associated with my posts appear to be all gone, for whatever reason. Not sure why that is. If it’s from inactivity, statewide bans on Dreamwidth or just AI chipping away at every website like the forums I use. Oh well...


The middle of last month was Rockstar’s reveal of the new cover art, along with the launch of pre-orders for Grand Theft Auto VI.

The cover art was shown as a trailer in of itself. The music perfectly reminiscent of Vice City. The chosen helicopter for the cover even being a Sparrow, that was once unique to Tommy Vercetti and some of our kid years collecting hidden packages.

...But the heavy weight of it all was no prior GTA release needed for its cover to be a cinematic. You just knew the cover and the general artist work from Rockstar as a mainstay.


So that was the week before the official drop on the pre-orders.

And oh man... talk about a complete 180 on the sheer excitement for the game.


Anyone saw from millions of miles away that corporate greed would be involved. Much of everyone’s concerns was the inevitable 70-80 base game price range.

Before, if you were chipping an ungodly amount for a pre-order, it would go towards any downloadable content later down the line. Rockstar lowers the bar by offering an 80 dollar ‘standard’ but using a 100 dollar ‘complete edition’ paywall of things that..... should be in the main game in the first place. No one wants the free month of GTA +. It’s there nonetheless to pickpocket the player even more for something that’s utterly useless.


Thing is, I could *almost* forgive the price. Not just because it’s shockingly not even the worst of the news. But I’d almost be alright with it on grounds that this will be the last game from my lifetime to matter. This very may well be the series end of Grand Theft Auto, games haven’t been worth the price or play since the very invention of PS5; I can tell you much of my Xbox One’s usefulness was defined by backwards compatibility.


In the back of my mind, the physical release was what I was truly scared for all along. And we should’ve seen it coming. I had already planned to avoid the no-disc drive PS5 Pro at absolute all costs in preparation for just this game.

The shit sundae surprise was the announcement that physical copies... this is not satire... physical copies would be a box and a code. Nothing else.


I’m still not any less pissed off than when I read the print. Within days time, Sony very shamelessly boasted the end of ALL physical discs by 2028.

The realization that Sony grabbed Rockstar & Take-Two Interactive by the collar (with their own release) just to be on top of the most dreadful piss to the face of anyone to ever call themselves a customer. In all of Rockstar’s own greed, I’d never account for them being a part of this because of what midnight releases have meant for them and us. Can’t sink lower than this.


Xbox is going to go the way of Sega thanks to Microsoft’s own neglect. The result of complete power given to Sony was something that should’ve been feared.


Billions have already been made from pre-orders where as I’m sitting it out. 


As much as I’ve cared less about GameStop failing, I really wanted to be the one to grab a disc from their store, just like I did with the Grand Theft Autos before VI. Because I want to go to GameStop? Hell no. Because a real life physical merchant should be feasible. Being told over the phone that I essentially have to purchase the most anticipated and popular thing of all time on the console marketplace. Said console just awhile ago being over 800 dollars.

Swimmod_Odin said gaming will go back to a rarity soon and yes, absolutely. To demand so much money and drive the point across in the same breath that you can’t own any of it. After this is all said and done, every last one of them can crash and burn. 

classicswim: (Default)

 


Fixed up my 360 and felt like it was time to revisit. 


Between 2011 and 2013, what I’d have to go on with GTA V was significant. It promised the player to return to a modern day, fully HD San Andreas. Trailers down the line made it look like Earth the video game.

Fast forward to present day... GTA VI has spent years filling that expectation. Times have changed to the point even GTA V’s age starts aggressively showing. More are open to clowning on GTA V’s graphics.

Is that discouraging? Not so much. Graphics talk became insufferable to me well over a decade ago. This release made the discussion insufferable in the first place. Red Dead Redemption 2 and (when it’s out) Grand Theft Auto VI will be my ultimate limit and peak as to how far, and how realistic the visuals for these games are willing to go. Life is short, and even if this industry hasn’t gone down the tubes, some of us really stopped giving a fuck how much our computer games resemble the real world. I won’t see myself getting wow’d by anything else after the upcoming title, and that’s okay. 

GTA III was my first game on my first real console of my own, close to 25 years ago. I was so young, and to think we got lost in that the same way we got lost in Vice City, San Andreas, IV... soon to be VI. To not only play the world, but to get lost in it. To almost feel your feet in it is a good feeling.

 

I like many were nostalgic about San Andreas by the time GTA V launched, and to think years have passed by where a new generation has that same sense of nostalgia for GTA 5.





Grand Theft Auto V is rather complicated because so much gets right, so much gets wrong, and so much is mediocre.

It derives off sensationalism, which was sometimes a strength and often times a string of flaws. But it’s hard to imagine it going any other path with how it was set to be.


All GTA titles before relatively started the same. Protagonist dropped in big city that’s a crime haven. Always starting with a simple little tutorial to get you in the groove.


You boot up GTA V for the first time and you’re immediately put into a bank heist. Cutting right to the action the average customer wants to see. With III you had to watch the beginning cinematic of the bank robbery gone wrong. Here, you were playing it out yourself.



Welcome To Los Santos.

- - - - - - - - - -

[Franklin]

A favorite timestamp of mine for this game would be the beginning where it deadlocks you to play as Franklin Clinton.

It does a decent job making the revamped Los Santos metropolis feel more big and interactive than it actually is. And despite Franklin being the 'kid' of V’s three protagonists, he serves almost as a window into the original San Andreas known to the player before. Speeding across downtown LS in the starter mission, the first song heard on the radio is N.W.A’s Appetite for Destruction, to remind you of the era this city used to be set in and well defined by.


Franklin & Lamar are notable Families members. Same gang that Carl Johnson co-leads, but a different set. It’s soon to be clarified that Grove Street Families retired not far off from 1992, and the Families that remain don’t do a lot to distance themselves from the enemy Ballas. Sweet Johnson’s anti-drug philosophy went down the toilet as Families aren't beneath selling crack like the other gangs of LS.


- - It’s to this day shared on the internet every so often that Solo Fontento (Franklin) and Young Maylay (CJ) are cousins in real life. Fonteno voiced a Grove Street Families member in GTA San Andreas as well, very easy to spot his voice. - -



Favorite mission from Grand Theft Auto V by far is The Long Stretch. Delivers on the action, best score in the entire game, and felt like an homage to that beginning chapter of GTA SA.


Of the criticisms I’ve had and still have for GTA V, I can say that I misunderstood Franklin. My gripe with the character was mostly what Rockstar presented in marketing. I was under the assumption that gang warfare would be back like none other, and it wasn’t.

The thing is that CJ was criticized a lot too for supposed stupidity. Carl Johnson does a wide array of outlandish things throughout the state of San Andreas. Steals a six million dollar jetpack from a secret army base. Orchestrates an elaborate casino heist. Double-agent work for a CIA figurehead who can’t draw attention to himself. A military jet was stolen as a favor to get Carl’s brother Sweet out from the correctional facility. And in the end, the crack empire of Los Santos had collapsed...

Forums nonetheless were there to say CJ’s a dumbass, and a stereotype who couldn’t think for himself.


The creator Dan Houser had a phenomenal interview with Lex Fridman awhile ago where he praised CJ’s performance, but went on to specify “not the writing.” 

 

A conclusion I had reached with Franklin is that he wasn’t made with the thought of surpassing CJ or being better than CJ... but making it so complaints were heard and that Franklin can assert himself more when dealing with everyone else.

But I guess it’s all a matter of time, era, circumstance. Franklin, and even Lamar will remark that the Families and Ballas feud has been generations of senseless death. Ballas had murdered Carl Johnson’s mother in a late night drive-by, only for the two gangs to subside and be on neutral terms with few old guard to object.

 

Ballas on Grove Street was a very common 'WTF' with this game since release, but I can say with confidence that a lot of my gameplay with V on both online and story mode was me hauling to Grove Street and dropping every member there. The original San Andreas had it where eventually all gang territory available can be claimed for Families; Effectively wiping out Ballas & Vagos from the game. (Less gangsters to shoot at as a result)

When I was a twenty-something, I didn’t like the idea that the things I did in one game don’t amount for shit in the other, but that’s it. Franklin can’t reclaim all the hood for the Families because GTA San Andreas already happened. Claiming street corners wasn’t Carl’s responsibility and it sure as shit isn’t Franklin’s either when the world moved on.


A shame Rockstar dropped so prematurely whatever they were cooking for Franklin in favor of the two white guys, because Stretch should’ve been more of a worthwhile antagonist than the end result. It sucks a lot as this is where the writing gets all meta about the franchise formula, when you could have backstory that adds to past and present fairly well.

GTA SA had Big Smoke declare before he died that people would remember his name, and V’s insert closest to Smoke gets rightfully talked like shit, because OG seniority in the hood means nothing no more. Franklin calls a chump as he sees it. While that doesn’t improve his individual story that much, protagonists don’t typically get their word in like that.



Grand Theft Auto V has its share of unlikable and shittily written characters. Lamar Davis is not one of them.

For me, it’s not just merely him saying a barrage of funny shit. Most players aspire from Franklin & Lamar’s dynamic, which takes a back-step for the same reason Franklin’s plot in general peters out before ever flying off. Although it’s been said Slink had legal troubles going on that disturbed his involvement with the base game.


Sweet’s caught a lot of shit from fans of San Andreas for being an ungrateful ass, and my problem is that he did come around to respecting CJ before the mark of the Green Sabre. When they had Sweet return from jail during the final chapter they just doubled down on his arrogant bullshit and turned him into someone Carl has to baby. 


Franklin would say otherwise, but it never feels like you have to dogwalk LD. Lamar does share that same stubbornness as Sweet about belonging in the hood. How they differentiate is that beneath it all, Lamar wants to coexist with Franklin. The hood gossips about Franklin hanging around the rich old white dude, and for Lamar it’s less about gangsta status and more so that he’s supposed to take on Los Santos with his friend.


Lamar’s the closest thing Grand Theft Auto V has to a heart. A guide toward both Franklin’s journey and underlying themes about loyalty/survival. Must be the Apache blood.


- - - - - - - - - -

[Michael]

”Look, you wake up one day and your legs, they just give, and you just can’t run anymore.”
 

Michael De Santa’s the central protagonist. The first face and voice you see in Rockstar’s 2011 reveal. A lot of us were banking that he was Tommy Vercetti.

For most part... he’s still like Tommy? From an opposite perspective.

80s action hardened-criminals with psychotic episodes. One served 15 years before taking over a drug cartel, while our boy Michael got Witness Protection and a celebrity therapist on the beach.


Michael’s home life is yet another Sopranos parody by Rockstar Games, only Michael’s not Italian like Tony or Vercetti. His household contains a breathing, all American family stereotype... leaving you with a GTA protagonist who gets cuckolded by a tennis coach.


Something I had noted internally the last time I replayed the campaign was how not only Michael’s family, but his own world had no respect for him. It’s a major contrast to De Santa’s big return just months ago on GTA Online. I guess because Dan Houser’s input wasn’t present.

Michael gets treated like a ballsack... a lot. I think about how Red Dead 2 launched and within the first hour, everyone was commenting on John Marston being turned into a twit. Maybe Michael’s the type of character assassination they’d want to pull with Tommy that they just couldn’t because Liotta.


A bunch of fans loathed Mike over being a backstabber or a traitor, which is a tad overblown when you know the grand scale of why he did the things he did. I was kinda shocked with that Fridman interview where Dan Houser himself favors Michael for being a “snake who’s abandoned principles.”

It’s tricky as you’d be blind not to see Michael’s a dick. It’s just not the most consistent for me because they write the wife to be sleeping with everyone in Los Santos. They write the son to be an unemployed pothead under his dad’s roof, playing the big war games Rockstar doesn’t seem favorable towards.

The marriage crisis gets resolved by the end of the game, and I still find at least the cheating aspect one-sided. Amanda’s counterpoint was that Michael’s got some from prostitutes, but that’s a player choice. I honestly stopped using the hookers in GTA by Vice City/San Andreas. There was barely, if at all time for them on GTA IV. In fairness, Roman or Packie & Brucie would call to hang out at the strip club, and V’s the same way where you’re better off buying lap dances than waiting for your car to stop shaking.



The depth GTA4 previously had surrounding the coldness of murder is absent. Intentionally so. GTA5 is light both in tone and content because of how dark 4 was, on top of some statistic of players who didn’t finish the +90 missions in 2008.

So in acknowledging the different writing beat, that Grand Theft Auto V’s more of this vibrant, clichéd adrenaline brainfart - - “Grrr fuck you Michael you kill people” doesn’t pack the same punch. Michael’s return to the bank-robbing lifestyle served more as a general annoyance to Amanda, opposed to Roman and Kate genuinely worrying for Niko Bellic’s soul.
 

For the record, and this much was as crystal sound to me as the night I picked this up for launch; I had no qualms with the GTA series returning to more simple dark-comedy. Some believe if Michael was this game’s only playable character instead of three protagonists then the story would be more focused. Focus admittedly being something the plot would desperately need, but I dunno. 



Michael & Franklin are the two of V’s character wheel that I do find enjoyable and useful.

Fuck that other guy...


- - - - - - - - - -

[Trevor]

Introducing the most unfunny, absolutely flaccid case of late Obama Administration era shock value.

Trevor Philips.


There’s not just off-one-hand examples of this character being a cancerous/cartoonishly annoying piece of shit. The vast majority of Trevor’s gameplay is miserable.



Trevor’s breakout (whoa, I’m so bad) scene involves taking Johnny Klebitz, the protagonist of GTA Lost and Damned, and stomping him to death.

The mindset in that particular decision supposedly wasn’t so much tying loose ends as it was just surrounding shit buzz about Trevor that alienated players at worst, and at best delivered a garbled “huh” from the average frat bro. Clearly didn’t do whatever they thought it was gonna do.

I just hate it because it’s fucking lazy.

My stance with Johnny Klebitz is that his individual story wasn’t planned well. Lost & Damned’s story intertwined with the events of GTA IV as there was a trilogy saga. But in short, him and his biker circle were already written off haphazardly since a villain had plot-armor, and the main protagonist was hired to kill Johnny.

That one mission in the base game of GTA IV was a sad death for Johnny K in of itself. Niko kills some random biker he doesn’t know, over stolen unmarked cash he’d never see... and he’s talking to the swarmy mob rat about the price on Johnny’s life like it’s a disposable commodity. The fact not killing him was treated as a “better luck next time” over the phone was fucking bleak. 



Part of me accepts they just wanted GTA4 representation to kill off. Part of me resents that Johnny was written to be human beneath the tryhard exterior when Trevor was anything but. They took Johnny’s worst qualities and dialed them for someone who’s supposed to believe a white guy puking in a dress in the desert is the pinnacle of comedy.

But really... let’s try to look at it from the potential perspective of someone who doesn’t know who Johnny Klebitz is supposed to be.


A biker far away from home is abusing meth because life fell apart. His girlfriend had been using for years and he cut her off, but everything falling down around him causes him to relapse with her.

Talked down to as a 'toothless junkie' by some asshole in a trailer who makes it actively known he uses speed and meth like it’s nothing. Dude that clearly needs rehab lets his guard down, seeks comfort - - and is abruptly stomped to death by meth’d up trailer trash who got his ego hurt.

It’s not badass. If you go into the scene with empty knowledge, it’s still cowardly and fucking pathetic.

I don’t know why some say Johnny was “taken out of his misery” when the guy that killed him took over with the intent of getting high off his own supply. How fucking stupid to shame one character for one thing he clearly doesn’t even enjoy, but then have the thought “oh, well Trevor’s better at being a meth addict because it’s played for laughs?”


The Lost Motorcycle Club were antagonistic more than once during previous GTA titles, and the gang actually can be fun to go after here. Was a colossal waste to get rid of Johnny as all the fights with the Lost throughout V and Online, you just have to either pretend or wish was there. The bikers will rob random stores in the country side and it’s so intense popping them all on the dirt road as Michael. Not Trevor. Michael.

My final stick in the Lost & Damned tangent specifically is that when you played as the villain group, you were playing as this decayed club that went on too long. Had the delusion of fighting oppression with fun, later spraying bodies over bad stashes of heroin. But at least the Alderney chapter knew what path of self-destruction they were on. Shit, war veterans with even a smidgen of awareness on how jaded they were. What the fuck’s Trevor’s excuse? His only “friends” are those he’s bullied and held hostage since he does a dandy job picking out his prey. When he’s not eating hitchhikers he’s SELLING THEM to some cult in the mountains. And this is the motherfucker who’s the most bitchy broken record the entire goddamn game about loyalty and trust.




I guess now’s a better time than any to go over why Michael’s labeled a snake and a traitor; Because Trevor will sure as shit nail it across your head 90 times of the fanbase hasn’t already.

Michael & Trevor were traditional GTA bandits, doing rip-and-run bank scores from state to state. No one respects Michael De Santa, but 'the life' admired and feared Michael Townley. That was their lives many moons ago, away from San Andreas.

Then... Michael found love. Had small children that deserved better than blood money. Michael’s stickup crew were a couple of neanderthal  gunmen who had no perception of life before, or ahead. They just enjoyed hauling bags of cash into roach-infested flats. Waving rifles at people to mask the sheer lack of personality. I sound like De Santa’s douchey shrink Friedlander when the thing is I’m not even bashing Michael. Not to get it twisted. Beneath it all, Townley’s no doubt the most cold-blooded. Know what makes him better, though? He’s got some bit of conscious, and more than one brain cell to boot.

Trevor & Brad just suck. Finishing the story and replaying the prologue at any given time shows you Brad was another derpy piece of shit.


Michael’s relocation deal with the FIB (formerly FBI) would be irrelevant. If not for the fact Dave Norton was a decent arrow and gave the logical one a second chance. Did Michael deserve it? Honestly who cares? His family suffered in a mansion with beautiful architecture instead of his wife dying in the cold, with no way of supporting their kids. Michael’s still a horrible person, but no. I’m sorry. Trevor stalked the ‘traitor’ to get back in his life, and then emails the son recommending him meth. That’s the character they want you to sympathize with for being alone.


Bury The Hatchet as a mission was a fucking masterclass of acting. Luke and Ogg get their flowers 100% for that one. It never got better for me after that first time... and they had completely dumped the ordeal about Brad’s death missions beforehand. But it didn’t matter.



- - - - - - - - - -

[Something Sensible - Kill Trevor]

Off the bat, this is not the canon ending choice for GTA V.

But I picked it for this run anyway, and will pick it again any time I choose to make a clean slate.


While it’s not as well thought out or as fun as the canon option, it’s arguably more rewarding. It’s an eye-for-an-eye on everything done by such an irredeemable codpiece. 


The big bad villains you kill in the real ending are notoriously forgettable (most only showed up for one single mission prior) and barely worth the effort. And I’d say that’s intentional because everything about Bury The Hatchet points to the real kick being that your own character is the one behind betrayal this time around.

The only multiple choice ending of Grand Theft Auto V that’s truly awful is killing Michael. I imagine it’s trite even if you resented him. It was so wildly unrealistic and out of left field for Franklin to choose that option. Not to mention it nerfs gameplay.


In turn, what’s bullshit about icing Trevor is Michael emailing Frank saying they did the right thing. It’s a positive email that insinuates the two can still hang out - - only for M to blame and cut off F entirely for something he reasonably wanted the entire time.

The jewelry heist in Los Santos before the duo reunited; Michael was hoping and pleading for the best that Trevor died off somewhere. He thought his family was in danger, and his family was indeed threatened. Just because the two perfected shit-talking doesn’t mean it was a friendship worth mending. Nothing De Santa said in his speech at the end was wrong. 



If I had the choice, I’d want Option C... and then Option A. In 2013, I chose the real ending only because at the time I thought there were bigger fish to fry. Which is fair enough. 


But if this garbled plot was truly sensible and realistic... the head of the cartel would’ve had Philips gunned down like a dog even after the tremendous peace offering. Really shredded whatever you were meant to feel about Martin Madrazo throughout the story.


”...Human stew. That’s my limit.”


- - - - - - - - - -

[Wrap-Around]


Some share distaste for the campaign. Even more hate how much attention and resources Online wound up receiving.

But if you ever just wanna shut off for the day and have some mindless entertainment; Grand Theft Auto V can deliver. Granted, I spent years on and off this one. I was fatigued until I wasn’t. Just happens.

 

The map gets dumped on a lot for being nothing in the present day, and this is a double-edged sword for me. I fucking haaaaaated 2014-2016 discourse making the false assumption that *technically* more land and pretty graphics in a game triumphs quality over quantity.

So GTA V’s map getting shit on is kind of deserved and kind of not. I like it well enough for what it is. In hindsight, its beauty isn’t so original. When the sky along the outskirts gets all pink/purple like Bone County in the original San Andreas, I love that shit.

There’s this thing called ‘The Ride’ where in free roam, you can just drive from Los Santos - - all around San Andreas state in a circle. That’s unique in of itself, and you’ll always love the scenery along with Los Santos Rock Radio, Lowdown 91 *point* 1, etc. (Bring up too how consistent Rockstar was with adding more music to V’s soundtrack, while butchering the tracks from older games due to licensing)


Comments about GTA V’s map being stuck in 2013 can be true and eh at the same time. We love GTA IV and Liberty City leaps and bounds partially for being a blast of the 2000s. 


Speaking of... Packie McReary. One of my all time favorites from the series, and really just one of my favorite characters ever. You can do right by Packie in story mode by hiring him for all of the heists. Was beyond satisfying. I weirdly felt more happy for him getting rich than the characters you’re even playing as. It’s utterly depressing he’s the sole messenger of his best friend Niko. Packie lost his family throughout IV’s events and really has to navigate San Andreas as if he were Niko. Efficient killer that just does the job. It’s both impressive and sad for it to come to that. After the Paleto Score when Michael tells McReary to lay low out of town; I have it in my head he visits Liberty City.


As for Niko’s ex Michelle/Karen... yeah. That wasn’t a good sight of her. Throws out her humanity in favor of her aging like shit, being a revolting head brute for the worst of this government. But something you can swallow definitely.


I’m not going to praise the torture mission because it’s just grim with nothing to say. I could easily bash Trevor for it. The pedantic “I’m a rebel” attitude... until he does what he’s told and waterboards an innocent man for the charming federal agents. But really the bigger picture is that it’s obscene and gross for sensationalism sake. They probably wanted Niko for a mission like that so bad, and it would’ve ruined his character a ton. People online have said the waterboarding is the least physically painful part of the segment, I tried just that and it was still fucking gruesome. 


IV’s Three Leaf Clover mission was said to be the core inspiration for GTA projects going forward, and I can say V both did that mission right as well as did it a gross disservice from time to time. Vice City’s return should be a step up. Any century now....

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 By the time I finally got to this last night, grievances were already made and heard which made things sour.


Not to mention this morning’s reveal of a Stewie spin-off. So, instead of pushing even a little bit of money toward the funniest thing on... we get a cartoon of something that doesn’t work as a cartoon, and a sequel show for the character that already defines Family Guy. The new show could be 'Peter' and it’d be equally dumb.


Just sucks to hear MacFarlane say the industry’s wasting millions, then have two separate - - tremendously more hollow examples of millions being wasted.



Ted’s second season went down like water. Probably delivered even more laughs than the first season, although went by much faster than S1 as well. Can’t remember if the first season was weekly or not, it’s been awhile.


Excluding the perpetual CGI bear gimmick, the only episode in the series that feels up to par with whatever budget Seth’s talking about was the D&D show. I disliked the concept of the episode because the prequel’s proved itself to be more than the source material. Pulling a Blue Harvest with characters like Matty & Susan just feels corny....... but I still laughed through it. There were parts in the episode I simply had to replay as I was watching.

The bit with the Bagel Bites commercial was a fucking stitch less than a minute into the episode. And the Philadelphia song, my god.


Wasn’t on board with the Clinton deepfake, and not just because yadda yadda yadda AI.

I just... don’t think Seth MacFarlane needed to be Bill Clinton that bad. I mean, if it was Ted doing a Clinton impression (because Ted did a Stewie voice in the first film) then yeah. But if you’re passing it off as Bill Clinton in the actual flesh, an actual impressionist would work better.

MacFarlane can voice Clinton, have him smoke blunts with Peter Griffin and dance to Barbie Girl because that was a drawing on your TV. Just because Ted’s a MacFarlane production doesn’t mean he can’t just give it a seat every once in awhile.



Very glad the show could pull a ‘Susan gets jailed’ storyline without reducing her to an “I’ll shank a bitch” joke. Susan will be missed, as will Blaire.

The first season I felt did us a service where we didn’t need to see Blaire’s dad. Already forgot his name. The end result of him slapping Matty around was still good. Just the actual plot was hard to watch when you can’t really make that funny. 


With the Blaire character, they weren’t going for the Mila Kunis approach, or the Amanda Seyfried approach. And that’s how you knew Blaire had teeth. Not a third wheel that only gets shit thrown in her face. That was a refreshing balance the show had. She’ll probably be remembered poorly by the douchebro audience, but she held the show together well.

 

During the first season I thought about how long this could last, and how much we could see of John & Ted’s adult life.

This was the batch to make you absolutely not give a fucking shit about Mark Wahlberg. Burkholder’s the better John. Again, that theatre scene with the shirt fight, I played that part 11 times because that was genuine comedy.



If you wanted a modern day All in The Family, but also a slice of life sitcom with all the stuff that made early FG what it was, minus cutaways; That was this show for me.

Too bad if this is it. Honestly. But it was fun while it lasted. I can’t stomach TV much now otherwise.

classicswim: (Default)
 I fell off from here.

Just been too miserable to watch even good TV because of how stuff has been.

 

I ditched Family Guy *again* awhile ago and only kept this ep on my radar with the endorsement from the staff. Lois & Stewie talking being the selling point for me, not the haha weed stuff.

People took the piss on this from the advertising, and I’m not one to deny the show not being what it used to be; But I think Family Guy of all comedies since... comedy ever shouldn’t be shamed for making weed jokes they always fucking made.

It’s one thing if a new cartoon or whatever is doing obnoxious stoner bits, but to knock a show who has downright seniority over derpy marijuana humor I find redundant.


I gave this a fair shot. It doesn’t make me want to watch the show again, and I’m not visceral toward the material either.


Making this episode earlier into revival vs the start of its 20 something season to me would mean more whacky bits and less dull exposition leading to what the episode wanted to sell you.


Did bring back sour memories to the last time the show wanted to have a big dialogue. I say ‘sour’ because that episode with Stewie talking to his therapist was shit on ruthlessly as it aired, and by general standards the last time most gave Family Guy as it aired the time of day.


The therapist episode gave Stewie a dumb revelation about himself that the audience didn’t have to think too hard about. This episode is leagues better in comparison but they equally provide strange/forced closure on irrelevant bits that don’t at all speak toward whatever the show chooses to be now.

If you’ve watched any of the new Family Guys in the past few years... it feels very out of place for Lois to talk about Brian loving her still. That was more weird to me than referential of anything because the ship has long sailed and that’s not what those two characters are much like anymore.


I exhausted very negatively to Stewie explaining the kill Lois thing yet again because THAT moment was most absolutely the show wanting to jerk itself off.

When the show reached its 100th milestone, Family Guy retired a bit that in retrospect was never that important even before the show went back on the air. You might think I’m bullshitting on that but really, watch Family Guy’s third season and you would see they wanted to fuck around with Stewie more than having to keep up with the evil antics. The Dixie episode had him taking up the banjo.

The two-parter of Stewie killing Lois gave the whole thing a sendoff it didn’t need that bad, and regurgitating it a few hundred fifty episodes later for a fake deep explanation was just dumb and tacky to me.


I got unnecessarily annoyed with how large their pupils were, simply because it’s just really fucking ugly and obnoxious to look at for an entire episode. When Family Guy characters got high in the earlier episodes you didn’t need that big attention to detail. The wrinkle under their eyes and the closing of the eyelids was more than enough.

The character bonding was okay and you can tell again from staff PR that this was what they seriously liked when writing it, so good for them.
classicswim: (Default)
 Virtually the only thing I didn’t like that didn’t truly land until the end credits was the Christian Woman’s domestic violence gag song.

The only reason it landed during the credits really was because of simple South Park absurdity - - Stan’s cheerful singing along to something that didn’t pertain to his miracle.


It made you go “ooooh... they reduced Jesus to that.” But then Stan brought Jesus to normalcy. And we’ll probably never see that female character ever again. So yeah. That part sucked.



Everything else I rolled with just fine.

 

I appreciate this finale embracing being South Park a little in the old school sense. Satan’s singing at the beginning brought you back to 1999 because that’s the kind of shit he did before playing the neglected pregnant prince of darkness the whole season.


The Woodland Critters got the biggest smile from me the second they came back. A bad Xbox Series X tie-in resolved Mr. Hankey’s quarrel with South Park... so they really could’ve brought him in if they wanted. But it just wouldn’t work for the season’s tone as opposed to Woodland Critters adding to chaos.


Jesus guitar jamming made him enjoyable when he was still on the dark side. Towelie’s payoff was delivering all that exposition while high. I think the only reason he went back to town with Satan was so Towelie and Stan could have a little interaction, which I appreciated. He was the kids’ friend long before Randy.

 

The episode from the title alone tells you of something anticlimactic, but I really should’ve seen it coming that Satan’s fetus would [redacted].  I don’t believe anyone predicted that at all, but that should’ve been so obvious.

 

Kudos to finally giving Stan his house back. The address isn’t 2001 anymore but it’s the same house. Marsh family hasn’t had it since fucking 2018. Damn. The next season must be very liberating for them because the boys, nor Randy should be weighed down by anything.

 

This wraps up South Park’s year decently. That first episode back, again, just a parrot at this point.. Sermon on The ‘Mount would probably be the only 10/10. But the material over time got diluted. Stopped punching as hard. But I think Crap Out got the job done too.


Someone predicted that Saddam Trump truly was just Trump on his own for that world all along, and that Saddam Hussein would clash with Trump with the exact same voice + flapping head. That would’ve been a pretty good mindfuck they could still save for next season if they wanted to. Or when the Trump presidency ends somehow.

classicswim: (Default)
 This was pretty good. I’m glad I don’t have to lay into the cartoon for anything after a time of getting blackout drunk.


The Saudi Arabia comedy festival event wasn’t topical and for the first time that’s actually a good thing.

When that Bill Burr shit was going down, you only had like... David Cross and some libs on Twitter saying it was bad.


Will the ribbing on Saudi Arabia Royals make headlines comparatively to Trump, or virtually anyone from the Administration? Definitely not, but the most popular show linked to billionaires says “fuck you” to sellouts.



It also strives to be an enjoyable episode of South Park. Saddam Trump had one scene to give him a breather. The main characters win in a way that’s funny/satisfying. Randy throwing trash at janitor Mackey instantly made sense that would be his outcome.


Officer Yates would be a douche in any other episode, but when it’s Pete Hegseth... no. Yates is gonna be the one you’re rooting for this week.
classicswim: (Default)
 Well, yeah. It’s another episode about AI.

But it’s not quite like the one from ___ months ago or ____ years ago.


It’s fucked up, and immediately opens up as fucked up, but that’s the point. Very fucking disturbing tool that’s used about exactly as grotesquely.


In the words of Meatwad: I get it. It ain’t making me laugh. But I get it.



I mean at least substance is there. At least they resolved Cartman’s thing this way, even if just for sake of more self-referential humor on how his own catchphrases have aged Bartmania fashion.

”I haven’t even talked about Cheesy Poofs in like 5 years!”


My sides hurt (in a bad way, not a laughing way) when they built up Yates & Murphy going undercover as Rocky & Bullwinkle.... and then the episode just lazily speedruns Bluey meets Harvey Birdman for a few seconds because they ran out of time. South Park’s eating shit with pacing almost as bad as whatever they’re calling Futurama these days.

If Sora’s garbled up bullshit came up around at least season 13, you’d be seeing some more bite.





classicswim: (Default)
 Having just watched this in the morning, my immediate pivot when they first announced the episode was how utterly stupid and horrible and nonsensical the timeslot was that they put this in.

Halloween night at 10pm when everyone’s getting fucked up... no one was going to put on South Park.

Virtually nothing would’ve changed if it had aired the Wednesday night it was supposed to air. I don’t think viewers having watched the special on a Wednesday would’ve had traumatic Halloween amnesia, barring them from forever knowing such a holiday ever existed.

But then it clicked.

This was a bad episode, and they were ashamed of it. The collective viewer was shot in the foot over a bad episode.


I should’ve seen it coming that everything they built up from just the last one by itself would be crumpled up in the bathroom trash. Peter Thiel and Cartman are just...... somewhere now because Matt & Trey consider tedious and unresolved overarching plots back-to-back to be their core fucking identity now, supposedly.

 

Shit on Pam Bondi’s nose as a joke was perfectly fine in concept. By the end of it, I had realized that this series’ constant rhythm of signature running gags for each individual show has allowed them to become more lazy.

Say what you will about the ICE episode (I did, and Trump administration has called my people the fucking Flood from Halo since then), the ICE episode had a payoff. Regardless of how comfortable I was, I acknowledge a payoff was there.

You can’t just ‘say the thing’ over and over and expect that to be enough ammunition.

Oh wow. You had a FOX News scene where a real life image of Pam Bondi had cartoon shit smeared on her. Twice. Poo stain progressively larger each time.

Really? No audible explosive diarrhea? No visual of Saddam Trump parping on her while she’s praising him? What the fuck happened to South Park lol.


Speaking of “what happened to South Park,” oh boy. Here we go.

This is the part where the series wears its own criticism like a vest by grouping it to only amount to an annoying vocal minority.

You ever find the current show irritating at times? Even a little? Even when you DO align politically? Too fucking bad. You’re just a performative airhead grifter.


They make a shit ton of episodes convey the point that Stan’s lost his own show to Randy, and the second Stan gets the script back... he fucking becomes Randy. 

Their episode protagonists lose very often. Only in this particular instance are they so insanely spiteful that they’ll say “hey. We’ll ruin ANYONE in our stupid little cartoon.”

Does that really say anything? Hell no.

They gave up on their preachy speeches years ago because they kept getting knocks over it, to the point of becoming self-conscious.

The end result, so it seems, is that you cannot have anyone on the show to root for anymore. Even for one miserable fucking episode.


If Hell froze over and Matt & Trey actually wanted to bring back Chef, you would have Chef singing songs about his love for *insert fucking comedy dead-end like bitcoin or AI*.



This is the worst one they’ve ever put out in recent memory, and I’m really worried that they’ll only be repeating season 20’s mistakes again.

That first episode when they came back was SO STRONG, it got people to love South Park again. But they only want to be their own worst enemy when they can easily obtain greatness by putting in effort.

classicswim: (Default)

 





I’ve been playing through the story again every day since the night of the actual anniversary, and for some reason this is the most fun with LCS I’ve had it feels like.

I’ve had the original PSP copy as well as the PlayStation 2 port for years. I’m obviously playing the port since it handles better, but to think this was the first big GTA game you could have handheld on the go. We’ve gotten so spoiled with technology since.



When I talked about Vice City Stories last year I kinda went off about how VCS underwhelmed with the plot.

This one and The Lost And Damned are the GTA campaigns that people don’t talk about as favorably. And for valid points.


I’m guess I’m more accepting of what this is while also acknowledging the flaws.

They did a good job not only making a version of III that plays better (GTA III with San Andreas engine) but giving you a prequel to III that decently maps things out and adding previous context from the last of the trilogy.

It doesn’t have all the features of San Andreas and quite frankly never needed to. Just an okay segway into the near end of the 3D era when GTA IV was the one to make a Liberty City the likes of which outclassed this.


With the protagonists of the Stories titles, Toni Cipriani gets more gripe than Vic Vance for being a yes-man with a gun.

I think what they get wrong with Toni was that Cipriani was a mere parody character in III, played by the late Michael Madsen. When you have a character who was a deliberate lampoon from the start, you’re just not going to make a believable badass protagonist out of that with any merit.

But I go back and I see that LCS itself doesn’t even treat Toni that seriously. LCS was really going with the flow of the shock humor from GTA San Andreas, and this rendition of Toni somehow blended into that well after having the infinitely more popular Carl Johnson.


When they made Vic they just retconned a minor dead guy into something very different personality wise. 



With Stories, the sidekick characters are more developed than the protagonists, and it’s a no brainer that Salvatore Leone would be the highlight of this.

It’s great too because Frank Vincent had then started appearing in Sopranos. You also can’t thank Vincent enough for jumping directly into LCS after III & San Andreas. Michael Madsen in contrast did not come back to voice Toni.
 


They show how Luigi’s Sex Club 7 came to be. The Leone club had previously been Sindacco owned with a completely different name. I think the change of that building over the course of the plot would lend itself later to how you’d build your empire in Vice City Stories. The change of assets was actually pretty cool for this.

Despite LCS not having the same gang warfare layout as San Andreas, it still continues on that idea of territory ownership with the Leones even if you can’t personally control it.

Toni tells Sal that they’re losing Hepburn Heights to Diablos and... no shit. That’s what happens in GTA III. You can’t rule *everything* like CJ did as III’s events are the plot armor, but GTA III started with establishing Leones still had a good advantage in Liberty City.


The LC gangs also look sooooo much cooler than they did before. The Triads in III wore their fish factory gear and talked in the Mickey Rooney voices while the Triads here are more relative to San Andreas. The Yardies also look the most badass, even sporting K-Jah directly!

Never too fond of who replaced Kyle MacLachlan for Donald Love but eh, can’t win ‘em all.
 

classicswim: (Default)

 






It’s been 9 years. 

Felt like a bad itch I just needed to scratch more than anything. I won’t be revisiting this again.


All the bugs since launch are not only still intact, but have seemingly gotten worse over time. 


The final product was always fundamentally broken, and I realize now I should’ve been more harsh when it came out. It was just bug after bug after bug this time around. To think I still waited 6 years for this miserable pile of shit.


 

Most, if not all of III’s issues are gameplay related, but the more I take in any fragment of the narrative, the more I realize how roughly they dropped the ball on what the story was meant to deliver.
 

I remember pre-launch actually being fascinated with the idea that the protagonist would have an “everlasting trial” on his head while you’re in the middle of taking down a mafia family.

Mafia III’s story was told and partially framed as a present day (2016) televised mob documentary. ‘Retelling’ a hybrid of both fictitious and drastic real world events (JFK death/Civil Rights Movement) within their own reality of 1968 Louisiana. 

Ultimately, this meant... well, this and that.

You spend a lot of time on this repetitive warpath. Something that comes up in the game a dozen times is the ability to spare or kill informants, and it plays absolutely no consequence to the main character other than sparing an informant gives you more money on rackets. The in-game cash is so arbitrary for something so empty that you might as well never give a shit about it at all. The main guy surely doesn’t.

This is one of those campaigns where even if you lean favorably towards it, it objectively doesn’t seem like it gets better overtime. And I mean this in the perspective of Lincoln vs Marcano. 

Maguire’s tidbits on Lincoln Clay seemed at the very least sophisticated in 2016, but you go back and it’s rather too primitive and play-safe on the fate of Lincoln Clay.

There’s only a few instances where you feel the doc segments truly break the mold and suggest something more feasible to the imagination. It’s one thing if a story like this does in fact not have a canon ending, but you also have to really sell your narrative as you go along if you truly want something like that to work. 
 

 

The best take away, and really an underrated aspect of the game’s acting would be Father James during the 2016 segments. That’s ballsy to say, considering he’s not a favorable character to most players.

I think if you’re judging James solely on the whole Lincoln Clay epic then yes, you will look at him poorly. What he says about war, anger, hatred; He just says a lot of things grounded in reality for someone to have lived that era. This game dumps like a hundred audible N-words into your eardrums, and James’ words almost 50 years after the main story’s events were the one thing to uplift that negativity in some fashion. The badass stunts Lincoln pulls are mainly for show and action story sake.

 

Some things about Mafia III’s commentary do stand out currently. The side quest to kill the KKK. Fast forward to now, games are getting shelved because developers and companies now skip around to appease racists.  

And it’s not like Mafia III was squeaky clean itself. Mafia III was written by a white man - - a white man’s vision. Some percentage of whites hated that black people “stole their franchise” and some percentage of whites were a bit too jolly about their history lesson. It’s kind of like the rough outcome of Hollywood’s various Harriet Tubman/slave films where the black audience itself isn’t particularly considered.

Mafia III presents an active ‘68 slave trade during that klan chapter. You free trafficking victim npcs as an additional sidebar. THAT was what I found more tasteless than anything else, shit like that you can’t just minimize as a fucking game objective to be forgotten about. Maybe I’ve become more prudish over the years, but when you do shit like that, you are more or less trivializing civil rights. You’re telling an “interactive” story but these were people’s lives, and they suffered.

You won’t, or shouldn’t hear any complaint about battling the klan because that’s a sustainable form of artistic and creative protest. In turn, there are also some things you just shouldn’t make popcorn fodder out of, and maybe read a book instead.

I also get mixed signals when they make it a point that the lead kills half the Haitians in less than an hour of playing the story. Vice City got backlash for less when it came to that. But communities stay divided like that, so it wasn’t so uncommon or out of the norm.

 



The return of Vito Scaletta, as well as giving Vito the city feels like the one redeemable gameplay feature long term.


I think about what feels most rewarding during the main course of Mafia III, and it’d be seeing Vito’s guys always roll in with those nice teal rides on properties you claimed to them.

When you give Vito each and every racket, and you just hear him become the most cheerful and positive associate over time. Even being a gentleman in rare occurrences when he’s thinking about how much it’ll piss off the other lieutenants that he’s getting the territory over them.


 

Lincoln Clay is given three lieutenants to help dismantle the Marcano Crime Family in New Bordeaux. Vito, Burke & Cassandra.



It’s weird because the launch trailer and marketing made it a selling point that you’d want to treat all lieutenants equally when the game itself doesn’t reflect that at all.

One tiff I have is that it’s rather contradictory for a game to battle racism, but also give you an “ally” who’s only ever racially degrading and calls the protagonist slurs while doing business. That’s Irish gang leader, Thomas Burke in a nutshell. 

It’s not that Burke can’t be an entertaining asshole when it counts. It’s the principle that this black character going on a revenge mission against a venomous white syndicate maybe shouldn’t have somebody on his payroll calling him the same shit.

They establish with Burke’s terminal cancer that he dies regardless of what you do, but you still have to question Lincoln’s self-respect if he chooses to keep Burke around.

The beginning of the game actually has a short doc segment for Thomas’ daughter Nicki, much older than her ‘68 counterpart. It was really her first introduction and she detests him well after death, blaming him for her brother’s killing. That scene alone makes you feel less bad about Burke being gone, and she’s really not wrong either.



Cassandra’s just horrible rep because her whole shtick is that she’s treacherous and untrustworthy. Her second-in-command Emanuel was a smuggler who fled Haiti, lost his wife... lost everything. You figure all that out in two shitty little side-jobs, but Emanuel is given more humanity and depth than the one from his gang who actually holds the spotlight. It’s discouraging. He evens strikes a relatable chord with Lincoln but the game tells you that it’s not important.


 

Back to Vito.

Something they promised of course was to deliver on the outcome of Mafia II’s cliffhanger.

And yeah, Joe Barbaro appears at the end of Mafia III as the long haul.

It’s conflicting because it’s purposely resolved anti-climatically, but you do a handful of quests dedicated to “closure on Joe” and it’s the same exhausted gameplay. Joe Barbaro as a character deserved hell of a lot more than awful stealth tactics on a bunch of nobody npcs. Even when the whole outcome of the side mission was Vito being fed false info.

They could’ve at least played more into it being a blatant fib on Vito. The 6th or 7th guy Vito sends you to kill says word-for-word “I should’ve never gotten roped into Leo Galante’s shit.” That would’ve been more fun to play into, giving Lincoln himself a reason to doubt the situation.

The mobsters for the Vito/Joe missions were all supposed to be from Chicago Outfit... but they all have the same native southern accents as everyone else in the game. It’s so uninspired.


When you give Vito everything in the city (and I did for this), Lincoln says to the exact effect that he needs Scaletta’s help smoothing things with the Commission back north in Empire Bay. This was foreshadowing the final mission where Lincoln meets Leo Galante and Joe Barbaro. Lincoln only knows Joe from Vito’s word, and not by appearance, so it’s something only the player can take in.

The scene with Leo & Joe in of itself goads you into the outcome of Lincoln leaving the city to Vito.

Lincoln Clay had successfully taken down the Marcano family as revenge, but he’s a lost soul by this point. He has a city at his fingertips, and the oldest figure of the more organized side of the mafia is discussing business partnership... but it’s not something in Lincoln’s actual repertoire. Lincoln only discovers this just in that moment after everyone’s dead.

It should’ve been obvious considering Lincoln never actually owned one fragment of the city. He gave the districts to contractors. He was a fresh Vietnam vet already fucked up enough from that war, who got tangled up in revenge and would cling toward many in the story because he felt no sense of belonging beneath it all.

Lincoln asks Galante what if he leaves it all behind because that’s really all he can do. That’s all his heart could be set on if he even has to ask. 


It works for Vito either way in that scenario. If Lincoln stays and he rules the city together with Vito, they have to give 20% of their proceeds to the Commission and that opens Scaletta up to getting back in with Galante.

Vito rules, Leo has no choice but to work with directly, and that brings Joe to Vito. That makes the past 15 years of the duo aging like shit suddenly worth it.



It’s so disappointing that Vito and really just the lieutenant-ownership system in general can be a sheer afterthought. Not one cutscene was Sal Marcano pissed that Vito Scaletta specifically took over downtown or the French Ward or whatever. They spent hours building up why Lincoln has to team up with those lieutenants and they only had the budget to abruptly address it in small wrap-up endings.

The irony isn’t lost that Lincoln would essentially be giving the keys directly back to a thriving Italian mafia, and Maguire doesn’t even scold Lincoln for that at all. “Las Vegas of The South” is all they can say on that. They just fold their arms and say Vito’s doing a fantastic job running everything which hey, can’t complain.


classicswim: (Default)
 I missed the first 3 minutes because I was watching on a live channel stream for the first time with this tradition, annnndd I may have put on the wrong FOX channel when they all play that fucking OT garbage at the same time. Thus interchangeable.

That being said, what I did see of the first segment was just a couple stray huhs before it was over. The fact it just... ended like that within 2 minutes of me clicking (and no real jokes) suggests that they might not have tried too hard at the start. 


The show is getting more craftier with replicating the older look.

It’s interesting because the Krusty segment took place in ‘95 (7th season) and the segment looked like one of those ancient YouTube rips of a 2002 episode.

I’m not sure who on the modern staff got hyperfixated on this in the first place, but it’ll be interesting if this approach makes its way into Simpsons Movie 2.


Krusty segment with Idris was the relatively more acknowledgeable one. The show has toyed around with “Simpsons, but plastic” more than once already, so there’s not much for me to do besides stare at the screen.


No particular segment to me was joke heavy. They give you less and less to talk about every year so.. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll throw on an older Treehouse of Horror to watch so that I can laugh and actually feel some human construct emotion.

classicswim: (Default)
 “Why is there a camera in the girls bathroom?”

”To capture the Antichrist.”

This was decent.


The show pulls another from the Vice City/SR2 soundtrack. Would be promising if Jesus weaponizes the frat bro bullshit for the better good.

 

It’s my obligation as an atheist to be smug about the implication that Christianity’s suddenly been hijacked when it’s always been a hateful conservative threshold. 

This, in turn, is shot down with the fact it’s MAGA now specifically. Here’s the thing..... we’ve suffered Trump’s campaign for a fucking decade now, basically. 

Separation of Church and State means as much to me as the second amendment did for that buzzard who took a neck shot for the second amendment. Hence why I applauded the premiere in the first place.


Christians are the majority though, and I’m not.

Just a CC toward two billionaires that went “Richard Dawkins? So what if he’s not real, you gay stupid fuck? Haha! You’re gay and stupid!” I just don’t see a whole lot of Christians taking value and singing kumbaya that South Park endorses only now that the belief system’s been compromised.

I guess if you want to pat yourself on the back for this one, go ahead. I was still entertained but otherwise didn’t truly see much of anything new besides a fun Peter Thiel bit.
classicswim: (Default)

 






General consensus: Present day, still one of the best DLCs of all time.

Vast majority, yet again: The greatest zombie game ever produced.


For myself? It has stayed the quintessential Halloween experience each and every year.



Downloadable Content hadn’t taken off until this era of gaming with Xbox 360.

Rockstar Games had already been instantaneously ahead of the curve with Grand Theft Auto IV’s Episodes From Liberty City. (The Lost And Damned/The Ballad of Gay Tony)
 


This was also an era of gaming - - and really just a general statement on ‘09 and 2010’s pop culture; Everything was zombies...

There were people who couldn’t stand Walking Dead and all the oversaturated zombie stuff... but still couldn’t dispute Red Dead’s high quality with this expansion pack.


- - - - - - - - - - 


Episodes From Liberty City set in force a complete narrative saga for GTA IV, often crossing over Niko’s story until TBOGT brought a more lighthearted conclusion.


Undead Nightmare... separate universe... alternate timeline. That whole spiel. 

But in the same breath, Undead Nightmare takes place spot-on at the end of Redemption.

The approximate timeframe being after Dutch’s death, but before John was killed.



EFLC was more or less produced with the intent of “yeah, of course you’ve played Niko’s story already.” Only, you could eventually buy a separate disc of those expansions, and not even have to previously own Grand Theft Auto IV. Though, it’d be very weird, and selling the experience drastically short if you did.


Undead Nightmare’s a shameless direct sequel. It provides additional closure and a completely different badass story for a protagonist who was already beloved by this point.


It’s a healthy mix of not taking itself too seriously and also understanding key things that made Redemption entertaining.

 

Like yeah. This has zombies, undead wildlife like the already existing bears + cougars, Chupacabra and Sasquatch you can hunt.

But I LOVE what really sets it apart from Redemption’s usual grit would be the knockoff Vincent Price narration at the very beginning. I’m more appreciative of that now than when I first played in 2010.



The beginning gives you a lengthy cutscene with John enjoying the company of Jack and Abigail.

Redemption’s ending was so focused on the gut punch of Marston losing himself after only just getting his family back. So it’s a very nice thing to get this brief glimpse of John cherishing what’s ideally his paradise in the moment.

I’d say if Undead Nightmare overall truly was John Marston’s purgatory and hell, then what you see of him and his family alive as a unit was his heaven.

Angelic music playing when John’s zoning out, interrupting Jack’s foreshadowing. I love that because the foreshadowing from the contents of Jack’s books was important for the main game, but here it is not. To the player, John had already died. So it’s an unsung detail for him to not even take in the bad this time around. He doesn’t need to hear how the story ends, he’ll be guided toward it in short time.


 

The first undead to make the scene, and the one to alter the timeline was Uncle.

A cowboy who just left the ass-end of the 1900s isn’t gonna know what in the fuck a zombie is. John just sees his freeloading tenant eating the shit out of his wife’s neck and kills the old man in self defense.


By the time both Abigail and Jack are infected, John trades his gun for a rope and ties both of them up.

Played for good laughs. They’re tied up whilst howling for blood and he leaves plates or steak and fucking orange juice before boarding up the bedroom and embarking on a cure.
 

You’re given the same motivation of saving the wife and son like in the main story. Except in these circumstances it’s not a hostage situation, and John has the comfort of knowing exactly where the two are while he’s out in danger.

Edgar Ross for that matter doesn’t exist as far as you can tell. For where it counts, anyway.

The circumstances of John’s death stay the same, but John’s mortal enemies are not given the satisfaction of tormenting or even clouding his judgment while stuck in this dimension. 



The only point where the mask nearly falls off are when John’s testing the barriers with failed results.

The aftermath of Dutch is simply referred to as “that Van Der Linde operation.” Generic soldiers might be aware of it, but it’s something that mostly exists in the corner of John’s mind.

John makes one joke about Bill Williamson, and only then was he treated like he was from another planet.



The villains of the past weren’t needed to be put to rest, but much of the key cast from the original still returns. Just with very limited material.

 

Bonnie MacFarlane upon revisiting her ranch will mention the trouble in West Elizabeth. She’s subliminally talking about the attack that happened to John.

 


The missions with the returning characters are all structured like Stranger encounter tasks, and that’s the most underwhelming aspect, story wise. 


You can tell Rockstar had the bandwidth and the coding to pull off a fun game mode, but there’s a significant lack of budget where you’ll just be doing things with John, and not having the time for any back-and-forth dialogue or teamwork in missions.

I complained about Landon Ricketts last time and he’s arguably even worse here. You give him undead bait tonic as well as some dynamite and that’s literally it. Suddenly all the shit and indifference he had for John is absent, albeit the smug is more deliberate and noticeable. Of course the cutscenes were entertaining, but in some cases like with Ricketts, all it would end with would be one or two cutscenes. They just didn’t have all the money in the world to do what they really wanted, and that problem becomes prominent the more you play through the campaign.

The worst would be Nigel West Dickens, one of the most fun characters returning to sell fake elixir to the citizens...... and all you do for him is collect flowers you can already find in the base game. It’s such needless and barebones time waste when you know just from the actual missions you had done with Nigel before that it could’ve been way more exciting.

 

This horror story wouldn’t be complete without Seth Briars. He fits in more than naturally and manifests plenty of the surrealism being shown. Seth implements gameplay objectives that already needed to be fulfilled, but the mission setup was at least done more tastefully.

I didn’t understand at first why the zombies played cards and danced with Seth besides absurdity sake, but then it clicked how often he’d talk kindly to the bodies he was exhuming. John naturally saw Seth as insane (and he was), except Marston himself overlooked being responsible for plenty of bodies reaching cemeteries in the first place. I think Seth made it a point somewhere that he was the only one giving those poor bastards company in a long time. Which yeah, demented Ed Gein serial killer behavior. But if anything, the undead make Seth less lonely and more alive.



Most of what you’re doing with or without story missions would be saving every last town from zombie herds, cleansing graveyards and rescuing survivors from further attacks.

Money currency does not exist in DLC, and you realize quick how scarce ammo can be when there’s no shootouts and no merchants to back you up.

Cryptic doomsday graffiti on the town buildings range from literal context of zombies taking over, to just stuff left over from Marston’s personal dire. Dutch’s last words being one of the graffiti choices.

The honor and fame system is gone entirely, guess it was more convenient when John was among the living.

 


Rockstar’s satire blended in swimmingly for the genre leap.

The townsfolk that previously respected and admired John were now timid idiots blaming the outbreak on Jews and foreigners. A good handful of on-screen deaths are a direct result of them all being such dumb motherfuckers.



A fan favorite sidequest was R* delivering on past speculation from Grand Theft Auto San Andreas. GTA players who attempted hunting for Bigfoot in the forest would find Sasquatch in Undead Nightmare for real this time. The achievement was called “Six Years in The Making” because it was on the dot six years after San Andreas had released. A meme in the Rockstar world ever since!

 

So much from amateur zombie films had been embraced.

The music was always a strong hallmark for Red Dead, so you get a good dosage of Pulp Fiction style surfer rock.


In spite of any shortcomings, it’s played very straight like an old Halloween special should. 


The cause of the curse is revealed to have been egotistical Abraham Reyes taking an Aztec artifact from its burial so he could obtain immortality.

The original game had Reyes go from being a funny asshole to someone who would starve and kill his citizens in the years to come, so this was a way to dial that back a little and still keep him cartoonishly on brand. 



The final mission stopping Reyes (Bad Voodoo!!) and advancing in the catacombs to return the artifact just feels nice replaying every year.

 



For gameplay purposes, you’re obviously not going to buy a DLC with zombies and then finish it with what you paid for being gone.

But you do get the satisfaction of John Marston singlehandedly ending the apocalypse and returning to his family in loving arms.

 

- - - - - - - - - -

[On a Pale Dead Horse]


Again. Gameplay purposes.


The plot ends on an ambiguous few months of normalcy before John’s eventually killed, and Seth takes the artifact precisely as Abraham did before.

 

Rather than showing a character die the same way twice, they don’t dwell on that and instead have John Marston cheat death.


Another epic feel good moment. A more spooky tone of the gunslinger’s theme plays while our hero emerges from his grave with gun rack in handy.

John being buried with holy water that protected his soul. 

Despite the artifact still being stolen with no way of once again returning it, Aztec gods have not forgotten John. Everyone left alive can only see Zombie Marston as the human he was before death. Only the undead can recognize that he too has left the ways of all flesh.

 

It’s a great way to end off, even if most would just reload a save game where John is still alive.



Does leave you with some... interesting implications about the ‘back to normal’ phase with the world that you can’t really see.


When John returned to Jack and Abigail, the wife and son had no recollection of not being with the living besides going a little crazy. John’s words to calm them down supposedly worked once their curse had been lifted.

So that leaves you to wonder if the people who survived still have their memories of the curse intact, or if they’d only recognize the vast amount of bodies Marston had left. If it would all just be a way of going full circle to blame John for murders.


Not too clear how much time John had left in those last few months, but a grace period nonetheless. Suppose for the original that you never had to do the last mission right away.

classicswim: (Default)

 






It’s stayed in my top 5 since its release in 2010, and I wanted to post in full about it awhile ago, but it’s a fairly exhausted topic.



Most games by Rockstar, I’ve picked up per its release date. The last, Red Dead Redemption 2, arriving when everything became all digital anyway, so it was the mere click of a button. Not in the case of the original title, where I’d roll over to the shit-pit that was GameStop and grab something where the physical cover alone was enough to solidify a ‘wow.’




My last replay of this campaign was sometime after my one and only playthrough of the sequel back in 2018 - - really 2019 on count of how late in the year 2 came out.
 

This time around, I’m revisiting after a very extensive replay of Grand Theft Auto IV (2008).
 

GTA IV specifically was very much the blueprint for both Redemption’s world, and just how the story of John Marston would be delivered. Both titles brought on a high definition era and redefined many of its qualities. 

There would be no John Marston without Niko Bellic, so I’m going to focus a lot on that aspect instead of the sequel that simply expanded on something that had already existed and thrived for years. 

- - - - - - - - - - 

[New Austin Chapter]

“We die alone, but we live among men.”


IV and Redemption begin with our lead hero exiting a boat, exhibiting very different, yet equally sinister slices of the supposed “American Dream.”

You boot up GTA IV for the first time - - Soviet Connection is blaring. The theme does not let up. Crime, alongside all of Niko’s baggage from the Serbian war follows him where ever he goes. In spite of this, Liberty City is Bellic’s home to stay. No one in Niko’s story truly wishes for revenge more than Niko himself.


John Marston isn’t given the same luxury of wanting revenge. He’s ordered to enact such a thing for Bureau agents not wanting to get their hands dirty.

John already had his life of crime, something he left long ago. Only through sudden intimidation and kidnapping of his loved ones was John forced to confront his past head on.

 

In contrast to the predecessor, Red Dead Redemption’s introduction barely wastes any breath. A simple, stand-alone depressing stroke of a piano is the choice of music you are first greeted with. The end of the west.

John doesn’t mutter a single word until you get to the gameplay. For the first few minutes, you’re left with train passengers discussing  good and evil, alongside aviation.


Ultimately, you couldn’t ask for a more appropriate start to this adventure.

In spite of what’s at stake, Marston’s in control of the narrative. John’s motives and ambitions are all heard from John’s mouth as he’s riding horseback. You never get it second hand, and that’s immediately what defines him as a protagonist. 


Something that’s stuck with me forever since first playing was John initially confronting former friend Bill Williamson at Fort Mercer. You’re naturally used to the Rockstar main lead being vulgar and snippy on the automatic, but here you’re given someone who genuinely wants the best out of the situation.

John’s former gang, the Van Der Linde gang, wasn’t something they precisely mapped out for you from the beginning. It’s meant to be a subject that only expands as you go along. For the sake of the beginning, Bill Williamson is the big and bad.



Most of the GTAs begin with a betrayal, or lead up to a big betrayal in the following acts. And while it’s something that still happens in this game as well... central betrayal had already happened off screen.

Again, John trusts you with all of the information he provides. You don’t get a flashback scene. You don’t see his wife and son until the game decides you are ready.


Marston’s tasked with hunting down his old friends (dead or alive, more so dead) in order to earn his freedom. He further justifies the act by proclaiming they all left him to die in a past life.

Seeing as John takes a shotgun blast to the ribs within seconds of first confronting Bill, it’s safe to say old habits die hard...



Bonnie MacFarlane, a young woman maintaining a ranch with her father, gets Marston to a doctor and looks after him for the next few days on her property.

Marston temporarily wears a cast, and will periodically hold onto where he was shot. For its time, it was an amazing detail to not only show John’s strength/durability, but also present this mortality factor where the guy you’re controlling isn’t as untouchable as you’d think. Niko & John’s gunshot wounds are otherwise purely cosmetic.


 


Bonnie MacFarlane: Red Dead Redemption’s introductory guardian angel and tutorial guide.

Given their charming chemistry and the fact she’s the first lady, let alone first loyal acquaintance John’s shown to have in RDR... the player would naturally reach the conclusion that they’d be a great couple. And I’m glad the relationship was never reduced to such a thing. 


Bonnie’s voice isn’t always the most pleasant to listen to, but she is a part of the more positive female portrayals in games. She’s entirely honest and keeps to a lifestyle that doesn’t ‘condemn’ her. Let alone how happy she is with it, even when she knows the business has problems.

 


GTA IV either had commentary on misogyny, or otherwise simply had misogynistic humor. A good foil Niko had would be his best friend’s sister. She grew up in a house full of Irish gangsters for a family. Her key source of function in the plot was how she looked at someone else who’s fucked up, and the killing didn’t impress her.

Roman Bellic gets to a point where he pleads for his cousin to give up the violence and vengeance; Kate McReary’s the one who knows pleading doesn’t work. Kate’s a positive portrayal as she’s the only one to point out Niko’s bullshit to his face multiple times. And she does this while respecting Niko Bellic the person, not Niko Bellic the killer.
 

You get A LOT more of this in Red Dead Redemption.
 

Niko’s so invested and praised in contract killing all around Liberty City that he develops an ego by the time he’s barely stepped foot in the central island.

ALL of the Redemption characters brush off John Marston’s bounty hunter & gunslinger skills. And I do mean every single one. In his world, any man can do that. Thinly veiled threats are muttered from time to time, but Marston typically doesn’t consider himself as anything special. With or without the reputation of an outlaw.

 




The player doesn’t fully know yet about Marston’s already existing farm in Beecher’s Hope. 


John helps out MacFarlane’s Ranch by any means. Even climbing and jumping inside a burning barn to free all of the trapped horses. In doing this, Marston doesn’t ask anything from Bonnie, other than to be a friend and potentially help his own business in the future.

John goes from owing 15 dollars for the doctor bill (lol) to being someone the MacFarlanes are in tremendous debt towards, just out of loyalty.

 

Bonnie can’t help in the Williamson pursuit, but she does direct you over to Marshal Johnson in the town of Armadillo.


By the time you reach Armadillo, at least back then... that was your first go at exploring the map early on. You’d have no idea how big the world truly is. The mountain path leading into the town by itself was fucking beautiful, even now. Forget the sequel. Games today seriously struggle maintaining the art direction of something close to decades old.

Redemption’s towns and regions nail exactly how it’s like in the old movies. I think that’s a key difference that helps. With Number 2, you’re playing a blatant hyper realistic western shooter RPG. Here, you’re playing something timeless, and you’re playing a Clint Eastwood flick all at once.


Marshal Johnson, again, adds to the immersion. He’s played off very much identical to how he would be played in any random spaghetti western.

You could say I have a better understanding of Marshal and Marston’s dynamic now compared to launch. He had more reason to be skeptical of Marston than other characters. He makes it known. I always enjoyed the comradery but I understand it’s not purely for comradery sake. 

Probably says something that with corruption and deadly gangs leaking about, this former gang member was the best thing to have happened to the town, as well as the region in a long time.

 


Strangers (and Freaks) was a gameplay element first featured in GTA IV that made its way here. Became the norm for HD era Rockstar.

GTA IV Strangers, you’d just find a random character on the street, drive them somewhere or have a scripted gunfight, and you’d be done.

Red Dead, basically I could do without being forced to play Liar’s Dice, or be forced to grab some random herbs in the middle of no where. All to really just get one extra cutscene.

There are a couple Strangers that are so obscure that the casual player would’ve never known they existed. There’s one where you buy the freedom of a Chinese slave and then wait a couple days before you find him high on opioids. 

Obviously the most valuable Stranger encounters are the ones that extend/challenge Niko and John’s moral compass.

Niko will make it known he doesn’t have the time, but will still make the occasional good deed. The main game will provide individual player choices whether to spare and kill from time to time, but Strangers often has Niko acting good on his own instinct. It’s very much Niko testing his own free will, he deep down struggles with a lot of the orders he’s given and yearns to be free.

John helps people in Red Dead because he wants to be useful with a head on his shoulders, although Red Dead gets about as cynical, if not, more cynical than IV sometimes. 


Two people stranded in the desert. One thought “God” would help her, the other so stubborn about going by his own directions that he puts a gun to your head so you won’t help him. At least one of them was definitely very dead after repeat encounters (starved), but John always just left with his tail tucked tight. If you were getting help from Niko Bellic, it’s almost not an option. I think Niko can be more persistent, and John often reaches the conclusion that some, like himself, are beyond saving.

 

Red Dead Redemption debuted with this edge of an honor + fame system. Halfway into all of my past playthroughs of this game, I’ve had John be regarded as a gunslinger and a hero. By the end, NPCs around towns will know and respect John Marston’s name. Nuns will gift him. One guy I saved found me at another time and gave me 54 dollars just because he wanted to.

I’ve never known anyone - a single person - to have ever played John with low honor. The system’s more or less there to encourage as well as reward you for being good during gameplay.

 


Marston encounters a figure known only as the Strange Man; Top hat with mustache and elegant suit. Not of this world. He’s a figment of the afterlife who’s tallying John Marston’s sins.

Besides some of the world’s most powerful foreshadowing, this was an impressive feat for Rockstar to play around with supernatural elements.

I’m always fascinated by the harshness of Strange Man’s encounters. 100 good deeds from John Marston inevitably fails outweighing just one massacre. John’s alive in the moment, and yet his life is remarked as already gone when speaking to this entity. Nothing about it is over-the-top or overtly antagonistic, which is part of why it’s so damn chilling. Phenomenal “look in the mirror” storytelling that actually works.

 



Marston & Johnson’s attempts at apprehending Williamson had shown to be messy.

While the game paints this picture that Bill Williamson’s an uncultured half-wit... his gang is shown to break into innocent people’s homes. Raping the women and hanging/mutilating the men.

The women that survive take righteous anger in the Marshal Johnson. 


There’s also the separate event where John saves Bonnie MacFarlane from being hanged by Williamson’s men in a ransom trap. Was never too fond of that mission, but understand why they did it.

The tortured women of Ridgewood Farm provided a more substantial stance on John being delusional that his past way of life would never have always resorted to that.

John will describe his time in the Van Der Linde gang in the same robinhood esque fashion, but also suppress Dutch’s brutality as it hits too close for comfort.





John Marston had to band together a team to stop Bill’s terrorism, and this is where the chapter takes a much crucial lighthearted derail.


Besides the support of the Marshal, you gather the allegiance of a snake oil salesman (Nigel West Dickens), a literal madman exhuming bodies at cemeteries for treasure (Seth Briars), and a drunken Irishman known only as... Irish.
 

Nigel West Dickens as the old timey conman always screamed good natured fun. His role in the story and his banter with John Marston was simply one of a kind. It makes sense that John had grown to like Nigel the most out of the New Austin trinity.


Seth Briars is a fucking deranged gremlin, which is also why you gotta love him. I can’t tell you how fucking hilarious it was each and every time that all of his efforts in obtaining treasure were wasted on a glass eye. CLASS ACT!

Irish, again, is just Irish. It’s understandable for a western set in 1911 to do this stereotype, but it comes after GTA IV where Packie McReary was one of the greatest Irish characters in fiction without needing to put on a leprechaun voice.


The allegiance ends the chapter with a grand payoff.

The Assault on Fort Mercer.


With the help of his new friends, John performs a triumphant gatling gun attack on the gang hideout.

All of Williamson’s men are dead. Gang officially disbanded.


The story advances where Bill Williamson, now on his own, flees to Nuevo Paraíso to reunite with Javier Escuella; the other wanted ex-member of the Van Der Linde gang. 



John Marston’s going to Mexico...





- - - - - - - - - -

[Revolución!] 


John Marston and Irish arrive to the country on a raft.

They had been in the river from dusk til dawn fighting off bandits from the other side.


The first horse ride into Mexico is something that’s stayed in my brain since 2010. Even now, if you made me point to the most lovely display of modern gaming; I’d look no further than the Far Away segment. It’s forever that powerful to me. The sequel tries living up to it multiple times when there’s just no replicating the original feeling.

 

 

The music that plays during battles of this whole chapter in general is still out of this world. Real heavy on the sax! 


 


John Marston arrives into the town of Chuparosa. (My favorite destination in the entire game)


While in Chuparosa, John meets western legend, Landon Ricketts. With supervision and sharpshooter training, Landon & John make a pair of two aged gunslingers in a era that’s *seemingly* bested the both of them in some ways.

This is where my opinion changes more negatively compared to several years ago.

Landon Ricketts is a vain, prolapsed anus.

He’s the in-universe folklore legend who simultaneously has the most obnoxious fucking self-absorbed opinion of himself.

Just because Landon’s modeled after Lee Van Cleef and can handle himself doesn’t mean he carries any actual wisdom. 

Ricketts moved and retired to somewhere that had been more convenient for him to settle quietly, 

He says all this unwarranted catty shit to John out of his own insecurities. All the big talk, and mind you; Landon Ricketts is no where to be found when the Revolution really pops off. He’s around and in your ear for a whopping 3 missions and then fucks off into nothingness.


You’re supposed to value the dynamic of this duo when I don’t believe either truly enjoy the company. John very much knows right away that Landon’s an entitled asshat who can’t handle being a wash up. At least Marston works on a goal without begging you to know his name is John Marston.

 

Landon Ricketts makes scarce, not before introducing you to Luisa Fortuna. A teacher and a noble woman amongst the rebels. She will be important later.

 


John’s real first order of business in the Williamson/Escuella pursuit was reaching the town of Escalera and seeking help from the Mexican army.

Marston meets with Vincente De Santa, as well as Colonel Agustin Allende.


Allende was a sadistic, genocidal rapist of a military leader, with De Santa being an equally morally bankrupt accomplice as the Colonel’s captain in command.


There’s enrichment to be had with this part of the game as you’re really seeing the psyche of evil, and how a government rooted in evil tend to treat their own side shitty.

Allende and De Santa are men who laugh in your face, smile and only speak of promises that they’d never intend on truly delivering.

Only, De Santa’s shit-eating grin typically goes right away the second Allende yells at him like a dog.

The other army captain, Espinoza doesn’t at all hide the fact he’s got no respect for De Santa.


These men at the end of the day are all responsible for killing hundreds of rebels and burning their homes, and then you have this short stubby fascist with an eyepatch who hates his rival captain’s homosexuality. They’re all just very mean pieces of shit that have somehow existed as a function for that long. 

 

In the grand scheme of things, Javier Escuella was Allende’s vital muscle for quite some time, and you were foolish to believe the Colonel was going to give that up. Whether or not Allende could deliver on Williamson and Escuella wasn’t the point. He was never going to.

John is lead on for awhile longer. Realizes on his own that he was killing undeserving, throwing fire bottles into houses just for him to not be respected.

Marston says he belongs to no one on his search for who he’s after. Taken directly from Niko Bellic.

Espinoza says otherwise, but oh well.

 


Meeting with Luisa Fortuna reveals the true hardships of honest rebels during your violent escapades with their common enemy. Luisa’s father was killed. Her underaged sister, you have to escort out of the country with bullets flying everywhere. Like many others, the Fortuna family home would not be seen standing much longer. 

The bad you’ve done is hardly confronted, and if so, this was the opportunity to make things right.

You’ve heard from your recent employers about Abraham Reyes - - rebellion leader.

You’re tasked with saving Reyes from his arranged execution on the grounds of El Presido. 


Army officials dead. Reyes now allied with Marston.


Something very amusing about the time spent with De Santa and Reyes is seeing two smarmy guys speaking ill on each other.

Luisa has this cruel running gag at her expense that she’s never made aware of. She has you break Reyes free, thinking the two will eventually marry when they claim their freedom. Abraham when left alone can never remember Luisa’s name. If she’s not “Laura” she’s “a peasant girl with a tight cunt.”


In spite of the cruel gag, Luisa isn’t any less of a genuinely honorable person in this story, and I’ve always been more than happy with such.

Abraham Reyes is dark comedy in general. You’d think good and evil would be set in stone for this whole chapter, but being with this rebel leader takes you to this sharp nihilist turn. The best motivational speaker towards freedom is a simple womanizer who’d have a gold statue of himself if he could.

One thing John found troublesome. He speaks to Reyes about his motives. Marston’s past life in the gang. His former leader, Dutch’s descent into madness. Abraham obtains first-hand knowledge of Dutch’s horrible ways, and propels to wanting to shake Dutch’s hand. Abraham by himself shouldn’t go unmonitored, but John vaguely seeing another Dutch in the making is, well... yeah. It’s fucked.
 

 


You meet back with De Santa some odd days later where him and Allende deliver “good news.”

Bill Williamson and Javier Escuella captured in Chuparosa, which definitely isn’t a trap. Yep. It’s a trap.

Turns out going against government’s orders would get you killed. But credit where credit’s due... fucking Abraham Reyes saved Marston’s life with a rifle in hand. 


Espinoza’s immediately killed by John ahead of the betrayal... and eventually De Santa meets his end at the cemetery of Sepulcro. A good thing Seth wasn’t there to take his badge and uniform.

 

Surprisingly, suddenly the rebels aren’t so weak in the fight after all. 


And unlike the army... Reyes is the one to deliver on the location of Javier Escuella. 

 

It’s a bitter reunion, but John finally gets to confront Javier for being left behind in the past. While you can’t evade what needs to be done, some semblance of closure is there. 

Javier’s death will bring on the first appearance of bureau agents Edgar Ross and Archer Fordham since the very beginning of the game.

John was not at all happy with what had happened. However, this just left unfinished business with Bill Williamson before the work in Nuevo Paraíso was done.



The war had reached its climax in Escalera. 


Burnings, bodies on the street, gun squads. No matter.

Luisa was a casualty and hero of Mexico, even if Abraham kept calling her Laura.


You use the army’s own gatling gun against them with glorious victory.
 

Williamson and Allende flee the Colonel’s mansion, only this time - - no one was getting away. 



In a last ditch effort after the wagon breaks down, Agustin Allende takes his sword and “captures” Bill Williamson for you to claim.

*Allende dies from Marston headshot*


“Alright, John. I’ll come quietly...”
 

*Bill falls from the shots of John’s cattleman revolver*




At last, the Revolution was won, and the journey in Mexico was now complete.



Abraham Reyes becomes the new leader, and soon-to-be dictator of the land.

While disheartening that things might not really change for the better after all, John still urges Abraham to use his powers for good before bidding farewell.

 


The game obviously doesn’t end here, but this chapter high and low is the undisputed peak. It’s the one part of the game you really get to soak in and enjoy. Of course, I’m biased. I’m Salvadoran and so the Spanish was much appreciated. A great dive into culture that the original westerns, ie the source material otherwise shittily executed.

I’m sure I’d feel the same way still if I was actually born in the United States to boot.

Even though most of the chapter’s characters were assholes... that alone doesn’t make them bad characters. I didn’t like when GTA TBOGT called me a four letter word that I’ve been called before while walking around my own neighborhood. So this made up for that. I applaud them refraining from easy below-the-belt stereotypes and instead applied negative attributes that were constructive as well as coherent to the plot.

 



John Marston rides off away from Mexico into the sunset.


The Colonel’s body laying deserted in the middle of the trail...

 



- - - - - - - - - -

[West Elizabeth]

“Our time has passed, John.”



Marston’s back to where it all started in Blackwater, answering to agent Ross and Fordham.

Back in the United States for a minute, and already a swift patriotic kick in the ass.

 


Dutch Van Der Linde.

The brains of it all gone haywire.

Dutch is the last target.



Going after Dutch was something John already knew by the previous chapter.

Nonetheless, the tone here is understandably grueling.


After his last two brief encounters throughout the ordeal, Edgar Ross finally spews out his diatribe on salvation, and says everything to remind John of what scum he is. Not at all grateful that gangs were eliminated and a tyrannical government from another country was dismantled just so two men were taken down like asked.


Accompanying Ross... you get a new aged high powered pistol... and a car! That only they can drive! Womp womp!

 

 

John had spent his time only describing Dutch as someone who had ideals in a past life and simply went mad.

In spite of that, Dutch Van Der Linde’s infinitely more crafty and opportunistic than the game has been letting on.


Dutch saw what the US government had done to Native Americans and formed a new gang in the forests of pissed off men who wanted their land back.


It’s a very grotesque line of fire you see RD playing with.

What the United States did was already heinous enough. Then you have this 50 year old lunatic in long johns who’s getting enjoyment and sport out of the bloodshed.


It’s in some ways worse than what the rebels back in Mexico had to deal with, because at least plenty of the rebels would rise above the torture and win the movement even temporarily.

But what Dutch is doing only leaves you with hundreds of natives being killed for his benefit.

It’s the ugliest scenario they could have conjured up.



I think mainstream Red Dead audience gets too caught up in the idea of “Dutch gone crazy” and not maybe that this was always entirely who he was to begin with.



Dutch uses these men to rob the Bank of Blackwater.

Strange Men reminded John a long time ago about a Heidi McCourt, who was shot in the head by Dutch during the Blackwater Massacre. An innocent bystander described to have had her own eye hanging from a thread, with her brains against the wall.


After all those years, Dutch returns to this town to destroy more people’s lives.


When ever John & Dutch meet together face to face for the first time in ages during the heist, it ends, again, with another poor lady taking a shot to the head. Another cowardly, yet successful escape for Dutch.

How does Marston witness the same awful things a decade apart, and still reaches the conclusion that this wasn’t always an absolute monster? I’ll always believe John tried to do good even with previous ties. It’s only him routinely making excuses where you don’t fully get it. He did that shit even with Bill.
 

 

This is shorter than the chapter before, as the game understands that Marston’s tale needs wrapping up.

Your quest for Van Der Linde is accompanied by a cocaine addicted Professor MacDougal, and Nastas, a federal informant from the reserve who saw the evil in Dutch.

A little dark humor, mostly one sided racist banter for MacDougal to bash Nastas and his people as savages. 


Incase you didn’t know, Rockstar Games is very... very British.

GTA evolved to have accurate portrayals of different cultures. Between the lines, GTA San Andreas was written by DJ Pooh (Friday). And when San Andreas returned for GTA V, Franklin & Lamar’s actors have gone on the record saying they had to improvise and completely change the scripts to something that didn’t stink of London slang.


Professor MacDougal annoyed some of the fans, but you can tell Rockstar had too much fun going over his shit the same way they often tackle their own American experience via GTA radio stations.



 

Everything’s brought to a seeming close when the Bureau agents, American soldiers and Marston advance toward the snowy mountains of Cochinay with military weaponry to eliminate Van Der Linde once and for all.


This had all the makings of stellar battles as before, except it’s nothing too pleasurable.

Any joy to be had when ultimately confronting Dutch is squandered by Dutch’s overall message, and suicide.


When I’m gone, they’ll just find another monster. They have to, to justify their wages.



I don’t share the sentiment of sympathy for Dutch the way other players do.

It’s possible for me to hate what he did, and also detest the work of the government agents.


John regroups with Edgar Ross, and that gunshot to Dutch’s already mangled corpse was just self-fulfilling tastelessness from a busy body of an office clerk.

 


Nonetheless, the dirty government work was over and the routinely spoken reward had arrived.

Marston’s told to get back to his family on his farm in Beecher’s Hope...



- - - - - - - - - -

 

[The Last Enemy That Shall be Destroyed]


John finally had his wife and his son back. Abigail and Jack Marston. Back in his arms once more.

 

No more bounty hunting.

No more disastrous threats.

No more senseless murder.



John Marston felt as though he finally obtained redemption and could start anew like he always wanted for himself and the few loved ones he has left.


Abigail had lived the life with John. She knew the gang life as well as him.

Jack was 16 and a child who saw death more than once. His relationship with his dad was uncomfortable at best because there was always the element of when John would be absent again.

The word of mouth spoken about John isn’t always pleasant no matter how high the honor system is. To many, he’s still a killer, and Jack knows of this.

The Marston son spends much of his time hiding away in books that correlate with what John has done. It’s an easier escape for him than the reality that what his father and his family endured over the years was not at all entertaining for them.


 

Instead of shooting people, John now uses the same rifles to keep crows away from his corn, and to hunt for the family’s food.
 

An old kook named Uncle (no one’s actual uncle) was a leftover from the Van Der Linde gang who did no real killing. Thus, was under the radar of the Bureau and Pinkertons.

Uncle had lived with the Marstons for years at their ranch, almost like a grandfather. He’s a side of the harsh past that was actually good natured. Just comically lazy.

Uncle had watched over the ranch for John all this time, which meant things ultimately sucked for keeping business afloat.
 



John & Uncle encounter rustlers, and the player’s given an option to pursue them or leave them be

Upon letting the rustlers run off, alive....

John: “I’m done fighting a fight that ain’t mine.”
Uncle: “You really have changed.”

This was, in my eyes, the most underrated exchange in all of Red Dead’s storyline.

It negates everything that suggested John Marston was perpetually doomed.

Everything he did, and the most gratifying feeling was to let a few nobodies live as free as them, regardless of wrongdoing.





John brings Jack along for the hunting, all around the woods Dutch had previously lingered.

John struggles ensuring his boy that all the troubles of before are over. Needless to say, the bonding’s very crucial for the both of them. These missions are much more easygoing, but it’s the uncertainty that drives them. Fighting so long to be free, and the stress doesn’t fully vanish when you are.



Like promised long ago, Bonnie MacFarlane helps John with the ranch.

Revisiting MacFarlane’s Ranch with both the wife and the son.

Those farming tutorials from the very beginning of the game make their way back, and John couldn’t be more happier because it’s the life he wanted. A mundane but long haul reward for the player with these missions.



There’s dialogue on the journey back home with materials where Abigail doesn’t think they’ll get away free. 


Now, when Kate McReary expressed doubt in the same exact way during GTA IV’s conclusion... that meant Kate’s death. Within seconds.

 

But here, as time went on, you’re left with the plausibility that maybe things can be safe.

Regardless, any player of GTA IV who moved on to the following R* should’ve been wary right as Abigail said that. Problem being that Red Dead’s tragedy had a little something else in mind.


Before: The ultimate consequence was losing someone the protagonist cared about.

Now: “The Day John Marston Stopped Shooting.”



Everything at Beecher’s Hope was finally perfect and content. 

John and his son Jack were in the barn speaking as comfortably as ever on a bright sunny morning.


Any replay of this mission is always met with the utterly cold, mocking foreshadowing of John’s death. Thinly veiled wholesome dialogue, at that.

The topic of aviation from Red Dead’s opening sequence was brought back full circle. Jack Marston describes it as “one of the machines that can turn men into angels.” In the moment, it’s the loveliest thing John had ever heard.

 

When you’re playing the final act for the first time, you don’t even notice that Uncle is outside the barn window scoping out the army men emerging from the hill. 

By the time John knows, there’s absolutely no time to act.

Jack’s ordered to go inside with his mother.


John: “Well, old man, looks like things is about to get settled once and for all.”
Uncle: “So it seems.”

 

Edgar Ross sends the US Army to kill one man in broad daylight.

This was always going to be the outcome, but John wasn’t wrong in his naivety that this wouldn’t happen to him. He did everything he was told until he made himself one loose end.


Uncle’s given a chance to run away, and he doesn’t. And stays and helps fight off the troops. Really, the first one to open defense fire.

The stealth attack becomes so severe that Uncle doesn’t stay alive for very long. More and more soldiers swarm around the house.


Jack Marston, aged 16, previously not being brave enough to shoot a bear... takes his rifle and picks off mercenaries. 



No time left to spare, John Marston guides his family to safety.

Abigail and Jack escape the property through the back of the barn with the remaining horse.


To make it clear there would be no running after this, 

To make things so his family could finally live at peace,

John Marston was left to face these men alone.



As tragic as it was, not a total cheap shot.

John gifts you, the player, one last time with the ability to take as many of Ross’ men with him to the ground.

Once there’s been years to soak in the sadness of the ending, you grow to appreciate that it was an *almost* fair final fight.

Taking them head on with one handgun before swiftly being shot to smithereens.



Edgar Ross walks off with the remaining men after John was executed.


Jack and Abigail go back to find the patriarch in a pool of his own blood.


All either could do was grieve.


John was no more...



- - - - - - - - - -


[Remember My Family]


The year is 1914.


John, Abigail, Uncle... all buried over the hill of Beecher’s Hope. 

Strange Man had told John that it was a “fine spot.”

 

Jack Marston looks over their graves at age 19 before going on a trip.


Jack roams what’s left of the old west with the same honor and fame as his father.

All of John’s baggage transferred over to the point where his son dons his father’s hat, and can wear the same attire as Jack aged into his old man’s looks.



People responded fairly negatively to this player replacement. Was seen as a cardboard cutout of a prolific character, only less charming.

But it’s somber as this kid in the end wasn’t allowed to live his own life. He did the one thing his dad never wanted and became his dad.




No triumphant ending shootout.

What happens, Jack travels on horse and stalks the family of Ross before he can locate and kill Edgar in 1 secluded duel with no witnesses.
Still, a good eye-for-an-eye end.


Where one outlaw’s avenged... another outlaw is born.


- - - - - - - - - 


I’m glad I gave the story another spin even when I knew it too well to the point of fatigue.


I do feel for Jack more this time around, all of his lines about being alone are depressing. The same cold emptiness from IV’s ending, except no one’s calling to go to the strip club or go bowling.



This all took days to write, and I recently did a 7 and a half hour session of the DLC for the Halloween season. So yeah. Holy shit.
classicswim: (Default)

 [South Park]

I would’ve said “we waited three weeks for this?” Honestly, still somewhat warranted... but it was a funny episode.

It’s not like them tackling Netanyahu and Israel wouldn’t go unappreciated. And there was the “freedom of speech” line.
 

Just let down that they pussed out on the Kirk topic directly when that’s what people were counting on.

And it’ll be a good while before a new South Park again so yeah...... they fucked up. Kind of.

Now possibly no one will take them seriously when they insist they weren’t pressured.

______________________

[Beavis & Butt-Head]

Me and my mouth.

The last episode I talked about Van Driessen not being paired with the duo anymore, and then they made this.

The original show also had them in the wilderness... and also ended with the bear attacking the hippie. Still a good time.


Tattoo cartoon was relatively meh and too gimmicky for my taste. But then it wrapped up nicely at the end and got a good smile from me.
classicswim: (Default)
 Alright. I guess we gotta talk about Crimes of The Hot.

Remember that notorious gag with the ice cube? Yeah. That’s all most people have to remember the episode. The real satirical meat of that show was less than halfway into the runtime.

You’ll be stumped to find anyone run up and say they remember that episode fondly because Bender’s bonding with a turtle or whatever.

It went about the subject matter okay for its time. It’s really the only show that genuinely tried with the topic, and has a few decent bits even when it’s far miles away from being the best.

 


The resentment I have for the season 4 episode goes as followed:

Any simple critique on how ass this return is... ALWAYS happened to be met with “Futurama Global Warming!” 

It gave you a head-splitting aneurysm that fanboys acted as though anyone was seriously negating that satire fucking existed in Futurama, and not that we were just upset over shitty and non funny satire being made.

Was ALWAYS brought up in bad faith. Most of them didn’t even know what the fuck Napster was, since robot Lucy Liu clones were enough for their binky.


Let alone the fact absolutely none of them give a shit about the actual quality of the S4 episode... they “go over” the subject again in modern times and it’s somehow even more nothing than what they had to go on in 2003. 


So now you have no reason to bring up Crimes of The Hot ever again. 

 

classicswim: (Default)
The Nuts short was a Beavis & Butt-Head cartoon using a bit more South Park level sex humor.

Trey & Matt sat with Judge awhile ago. I didn’t see the discussion, so maybe they were only speaking ironically, but they went over the potential of a crossover. This was the episode to make me feel like such a thing could work... somehow. Just for the modern rendition of both.

Viacom would milk the shit out of it. Always Sunny and Abbott Elementary teaming up proves it wouldn’t be the most unnecessary crossover ever done.



This was noticeably the first Anderson appearance of the season. Tom & Marcy backstory, no less. Marcy definitely wasn’t always a Peggy in her appearance, but settled for Tom exactly as Peggy would. Go figure.



I kinda don’t like this for Stewart, and I’ll explain why.

Back in the 90s, Beavis & Butt-Head was a fad living in the now.

I’ve lectured on the ‘societal cry for help’ schtick the original show lived and died by, but basically... every adult back then just laughed at these losers. They could only leave it to their imagination what trainwrecks they’d be as grownups.

Old Beavis & Old Butt-Head exists purely as the payoff to that thought. Like, that’s the purpose. That’s why they’ve been doing those shorts separate.


The first short with Stewart reuniting reflected that. Kidney was the most cynical one they’ve done to date. Stewart popped in that one only as a mild sliver from a lost time to do something positive, and got fucked over immediately for helping. It was effective for that reason.


This one... not so much.

Setting Stewart up to be the episodic accessory again makes the older duo less lonely and gives a positive edge that’s undeserving.

 

The new cartoons with them as kids don’t use Cody because they need to. Tom’s the only one they’ve really bounced off of for the past few seasons. Van Driessen’s grown disdain for Beavis & Butt-Head when ever we do see him, hence no current episode pairing him.

My point sorta being that if the show has gone this far without all its extended characters, and doesn’t utilize them for the main course, it doesn’t make much sense to include them in the specific segment where they’re supposed to have no outreach.

Also doesn’t really “keep things fresh” if we’ve already seen them burning bridges with that character.

classicswim: (Default)
 Really fucking annoying and just a middle finger to everybody.

And for a new episode needed the most after the premiere, too.

The dates they provided are ridiculous, I should not be seeing a December anywhere there. Then again, if the show was airing the way it was supposed to all along, the season would probably be over by now.

The salt in the wound. Not only has South Park become a biweekly show for some reason. It’s become a biweekly show for some reason, and you have to wait the day before, if not the same fucking day to get even a teaser less than 10 seconds.

Every other season, almost no exception, you’d know what South Park episode you were getting by Monday. 


It’s common courtesy. You’re getting paid billions to do this show. We should’ve known about the episode pull by Monday. You’ve had literally more than enough time.

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